Being raised in a Christian family I thought I had the whole God thing figured out. I asked Jesus to save me when I was 5 years old and I was baptized when I was 7. So if I went to church on Sundays and read my Bible and prayed daily and lived the 10 commandments as best as I could then I was “good”.

During my teen years and into my mid 20’s I struggled big time w depression. I contemplated suicide many times during those years. During that same time frame a series of bad things happened with a couple of churches I was involved with and I ended up walking away from “church”. I still believed in God but no longer wanted to deal w the hypocrisies of the churches. I lived my own way for the next 20 years. I was still very aware that God was still “there” and that I was no longer living a life trying to please Him.

Fast forward 25 years to the present day. My life is in complete turmoil. I have made such a mess of everything! I know I NEED God (so I started going to a Bible-based 12 step program and I started going back to church.) Ít is comforting to hear the words of the scriptures and in some ways, I can see that God is softening my heart that had become like stone. But over the years when I isolated myself from virtually everyone, I built some very tall thick walls.

Sometimes I believe that I am beyond saving because I don’t know HOW to ask for help from God or anyone else nor do I know HOW to receive help from those who have tried to reach out to me. I don’t know WHO to trust or HOW to trust. I can’t even trust myself to make the right decisions for myself and I always find reasons to not trust well-meaning people. How could I possibly trust that God loves me and cares about me when I have turned my back on Him time and time again…

Jaylynn Rae

Author Jaylynn Rae

More posts by Jaylynn Rae

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: